Sir: I see by your report of a lecture delivered in your neighborhood very recently, that a bit of my private personal history has been revealed to the public. The lecturer was head-waiter of the Quaker City Excursion of ten years ago. I do not repeat his name for the reason that I think he wants a little notoriety as a basis for introduction to the lecture platform, &Ⓐemendation I don’t wish to contribute. I harbor this suspicion because he calls himself “captain” of that expedition.

The truth is, that as soon as the ship was fairly at sea, he was degraded from his captaincy by Mr. Leary (owner of the vessel) &Ⓐemendation Mr. Bursley (executive officer.) As he was not a passenger, &Ⓐemendation had now ceased to be an officer, it was something of a puzzle to define his position. However, as he still had authority to discharge waiter-boys—an authority which the passengers did not possess—it was presently decided, privately, that he must naturally be the “head-waiter;” &Ⓐemendation thus was he dubbed. During the voyage he gave orders to none but his under-waiters; all the excursionists will testify to this. It may be humorous enough to call himself “captain,” but then it is calculated to deceive the public.

The “captain” says that when I came to engage passage in the Quaker City I “seemed to be full of whiskey, or something,” &Ⓐemendation filled his office with the “fumes of bad whiskey.” I hope this is true, but I cannot say, because it is so long ago; at the same time I am not depraved enough to deny that for a ceaseless, tireless, forty-year public advocate of total abstinence the “captain” is a mighty good judge of whiskey at second-hand.

He charges that I couldn’t tell the Quaker City tea from coffee. Am I a god, that I can solve the impossible?

He charges that I uttered a libel when I said he made this speech at a Fourth of July dinner on shipboard: “Ladies &Ⓐemendation gentlemen, may you all live long &Ⓐemendation prosper; steward, pass up another basket of champagne.”

Well, the truth is often a libel, &Ⓐemendation this may be one; yet it is the truth nevertheless. I did not publish it with malicious intent, but because it showed that even a total-abstinence gladiator can have gentle instincts when he is removed from hampering home influences.

The “captain” charges that when I came to his office to engage passage I represented myself to be a Baptist minister cruising after health. No; Mr. Edward H. House told him that, without giving me any warning, that he was going to do it. But no matter, I should have done it myself if I had thought of it. ThereforeⒶemendation I lift this crime from Mr. House’s shoulders &Ⓐemendation transfer it to mine. I was without conscience in those old days. It had been my purpose to represent that I was a son of the captain’s whom he had never met, &Ⓐemendation consequently hadn’t classified, &Ⓐemendation by this means I hoped to get a free passage; but I was saved from this great villainyⒶemendation by the happy accident of Mr. House’s getting in his milder rascality ahead of me. I often shudder to think how near I came to saddling an old father on to myself forever whom I never could have made any use of after that excursion was finished. Still, if I had him now, I would make him lecture his head off at his customary 25 cents before I would support him in idleness. I consider idleness an immoral thing for the aged.

Certain of my friends in New York have been so distressed by the “captain’s” charges against me that they have simply forced me to come out in print. But I find myself in a great difficulty by reason of the fact that I don’t find anything in the charges that discomforts me. Why should I worry over the “bad whiskey?” I was poor—I couldn’t afford good whiskey. How could I know that the “captain” was so particular about the quality of a man’s liquor? I didn’t know he was a purist in that matter, &Ⓐemendation that the difference between 5-cent &Ⓐemendation 40-cent toddy would remain a rankling memory with him for ten years.

The tea &Ⓐemendation champagne items do not trouble me—both being true &Ⓐemendation harmless. The Baptist minister fraud does not give me any anguish, since I did not invent it.

What I need, now that I am going into print, is a text. These little things do not furnish it. Why does the “captain” make no mention of the highway robbery which I committed on the road between Jerusalem &Ⓐemendation the Dead Sea? He must have heard of it—the land was full of it. Why does he make no mention of the fact that during the entire excursion I never drew a sober breath except by proxy? Why does he conceal the fact that I killed a cripple in Cairo because I thought he had an unpleasant gait? Why is he silent about my skinning a leper in Smyrna in order that I might have a little something to start a museum with when I got home? What is the use of making “charges” out of a man’s few little virtuous actions when that man has committed real indiscretions by the dozen?

But where is the use of bothering about what a man’s character was ten years ago, anyway? Perhaps the captain values his character of ten years ago? I never have heard of any reason why he should; but still he may possibly value it. No matter. I do not value my character of ten years ago. I can go out any time &Ⓐemendation buy a better one for half it cost me. In truth, my character was simply in course of construction then. I hadn’t anything up but the scaffolding, so to speak. But I have finished the edifice now &Ⓐemendation taken down that worm-eaten scaffolding. I have finished my moral edifice, &Ⓐemendation frescoed it &Ⓐemendation furnished it, &Ⓐemendation I am obliged to admit that it is one of the neatest &Ⓐemendation sweetest things of the kind that I have ever encountered. I greatly value it, &Ⓐemendation I would feel like resenting any damage done to it. But that old scaffolding is no longer of any use to me; &Ⓐemendation inasmuch as the “captain” seems able to use it to advantage, I hereby make him a present of it. It is a little shaky, of course, but if he will patch it here &Ⓐemendation there he will find that it is still superior to anything of the kind he can scare up upon his own premises.