20 September 1863
“How to Cure a Cold” was written during the first week or ten days after Clemens arrived in San Francisco on 8 September 1863 and was published in the San Francisco Golden Era on September 20. The sketch is the first of three feature articles that Clemens composed specifically for the Era in September and early October 1863, and one of four he published there during that period.1 This San Francisco weekly had close ties with the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise. Both Joseph T. Goodman and Denis McCarthy of the Enterprise had worked on the Era, and Dan De Quille was its Virginia City correspondent. Clemens also knew others on its staff: his comment in 1864 about having visited “some of their haunts with those dissipated Golden Era fellows”2 probably goes back to memories of May and June 1863, his first long visit to San Francisco. Certainly by September the Washoe reporter fully recognized the literary opportunity which the Era provided, and was energetically trying to exploit it.
At the time Clemens wrote “How to Cure a Cold” he had been troubled with a severe head cold and bronchitis for more than a month. Indeed, the sketch repeatedly alludes to his quite real difficulties in trying to cure himself, many of which he had already mentioned publicly in newspaper letters to the Enterprise and the San Francisco Call (see nos. 58–62 of this collection). Even the angry digression toward the end of the sketch about the “lady acquaintance” who snubbed him seems to reflect the facts.
[begin page 297]Some readers have regarded the sketch as a burlesque of home remedies per se—like those frequently advertised in eastern newspapers, for instance. Clemens' account of the decoction mixed by the “lady who had just arrived from over the plains” does in fact seem quite outlandish. However, most of the remedies that the author tried were standard prescriptions of folk medicine: unexamined rituals and superstitions inflicted on the sufferer and only occasionally—as with the gin and whisky—enjoyed by him. Of course, all are discredited here because none of them works; in that sense Mark Twain does ridicule the singleminded credulity of those who offer and those who rely on remedies for the irremediable.
The structure of “How to Cure a Cold” approaches incoherence, and its humor is occasionally more heavy-handed than the author's work in Nevada; he may well have been overreacting to his new San Francisco audience. Yet for all its frothy turmoil, the sketch does express, through Mark Twain's pose of innocence, a rather sardonic view of the world which seems to hold the incongruent elements together. Ineffective folk remedies imposed upon the suffering author are only part of the trouble: the girl who intrudes on his thoughts does not act as a pretty girl should, and even the power of friendship fails him when “young Wilson” eats the mustard plaster, the sick man's last, best hope.
Whatever modern readers may think of “How to Cure a Cold,” Clemens himself seems to have regarded it with favor, for he revised and reprinted it in his Jumping Frog book in 1867, and he continued to revise and reprint it—removing topical allusions, digressions, and “coarseness”—until it was finally reprinted in Sketches, New and Old in 1875.3 It is the earliest example of his apprentice work to be thus preserved for a larger audience.
It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for the amusement of the public, but it is a far higher and nobler thingⒺexplanatory note to write for their instruction—their profit—their actual and tangible benefit.
TheⒶhistorical collation latter is the sole object of this article.
IfⒶhistorical collation it prove the means of restoring to health one solitary sufferer among my race—of lighting up once more the fire of hope and joy in his faded eyes—of bringing back to his dead heart again the quick, generous impulses of other days—I shall be amply rewarded for my labor; my soul will be permeated with the sacred delight a Christian feels when he has done a good, unselfish deed.
Having led a pure and blameless life, I am justified in believing that no man who knows me will reject the suggestions I am about to make, out of fear that I am trying to deceive him.
LetⒶhistorical collation the public do itself the honor to read my experience in doctoring a cold, as herein set forth, and then follow in my footsteps.
When the White House was burned in VirginiaⒶhistorical collation, I lost my home, my happiness, my constitution and my trunk.
TheⒶhistorical collation loss of the two first named articles was a matter of no great consequence, since a home without a mother or a sister, or a distant young female relative in it, to remind you by putting your soiled linen out of sight and taking your boots down off the mantle-piece, that there are those who think about you and care for you, is easily obtained.
AndⒶhistorical collation I cared nothing for the loss of my happiness, because, not being [begin page 299] a poet, it could not be possible that melancholy would abide with me long.
ButⒶhistorical collation to lose a good constitution and a better trunk were serious misfortunes.
I had my Gould and CurryⒺexplanatory note in the latter, you recollect; I may get it back again, though—I came down here this time partly to bully-rag the Company into restoring my stock to me.Ⓐhistorical collation
OnⒶhistorical collation Ⓐtextual note the day of the fire, my constitution succumbed to a severe cold caused by undue exertion in getting ready to do something.
IⒶhistorical collation suffered to no purpose, too, because the plan I was figuring at for the extinguishing of the fire was so elaborate that I never got it completed until the middle of the following week.
The first time I began to sneeze, a friend told me to go and bathe my feet in hot water and go to bed.
IⒶhistorical collation did so.
ShortlyⒶhistorical collation afterward, another friend advised me to get up and take a cold shower-bath.
IⒶhistorical collation did that also.
WithinⒶhistorical collation the hour, another friend assured me that it was policy to “feed a cold and starve a fever.”
IⒶhistorical collation had both.
IⒶhistorical collation thought it best to fill myself up for the cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve a while.
In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves; I ate pretty heartily; I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning; he waited near me in respectful silence untilⒶemendation I had finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people about VirginiaⒶhistorical collation were much afflicted with colds?
IⒶhistorical collation told him I thought they were.
HeⒶhistorical collation then went out and took in his sign.
IⒶemendation Ⓐhistorical collation startedⒶtextual note down toward the office, and on the way encountered another bosom friend, who told me that a quart of salt water, taken warm, would come as near curing a cold as anything in the world.
IⒶhistorical collation hardly thought I had room for it, but I tried it anyhow.
TheⒶhistorical collation result was surprising; I must have vomited three-quarters of an hour;Ⓐhistorical collation I believe I threwⒶhistorical collation up my immortal soul.
Now, as I am giving my experience only for the benefit of those who are troubled with the distemper I am writing about, I feel that they will [begin page 300] see the propriety of my cautioning them against following such portions of it as proved inefficient with me—and acting upon this conviction, I warn them against warm salt water.
ItⒶhistorical collation may be a good enough remedy, but I think it is too severe. If I had another cold in the head, and there wasⒶtextual note Ⓐhistorical collation no course left me but to take either an earthquake or a quart of warm salt water, I would cheerfullyⒶhistorical collation take my chances on the earthquake.
After the storm which had been raging in my stomach had subsided, and no more good Samaritans happening along, I went on borrowing handkerchiefs again and blowing them to atoms, as had been my custom in the early stages of my cold, until I came across a lady who had just arrived from over the plains, and who said she had lived in a part of the country where doctors were scarce,Ⓐtextual note Ⓐemendation Ⓐhistorical collation and had from necessity acquired considerable skill in the treatment of simple “family complaints.”
IⒶhistorical collation knew she must have had much experience, for she appeared to be a hundred and fifty years old.
She mixed a decoction composed of molasses, aquafortis, turpentine, and various other drugs, and instructed me to take a wine-glass full of it every fifteen minutes.
IⒶhistorical collation never took but one dose; that was enough; it robbed me of all moral principle, and awoke every unworthy impulse of my nature.
UnderⒶhistorical collation its malign influence, my brain conceived miracles of meanness, but my hands were too feeble to execute them; at that time had it not been that my strength had surrendered to a succession of assaults from infallible remedies for my cold, I am satisfied that I would have tried to rob the graveyard.
LikeⒶtextual note Ⓐhistorical collation most other people, I often feel mean, and act accordingly, but until I took that medicine I had never reveled in such supernatural depravity and felt proud of it.
AtⒶhistorical collation the end of two days, I wasⒶemendation Ⓐhistorical collation ready to go to doctoring again. I took a few more unfailing remedies, and finally drove my cold from my head to my lungs.
I got to coughing incessantly, and my voice fell below Zero; I conversed in a thundering bassⒶhistorical collation two octaves below my natural tone; I could only compass my regular nightly repose by coughing myself down to a state of utter exhaustion, and then the moment I began to talk in my sleep, my discordant voice woke me up again.
[begin page 301]My case grew more and more serious every day.
PlainⒶhistorical collation gin was recommended; I took it.
ThenⒶhistorical collation gin and molasses; I took that also.
ThenⒶhistorical collation gin and onions; I added the onions and took all three.
IⒶhistorical collation detected no particular result, however, except that I had acquired a breath like a buzzard's.Ⓐhistorical collation
I found I had to travel for my health.
IⒶhistorical collation went to Lake BiglerⒶhistorical collation with my reportorial comrade, AdairⒶhistorical collation Wilson. ItⒶhistorical collation is gratifying to me to reflect that we traveled in considerable style; we went in the Pioneer coach, and my friend took all his baggage with him, consisting of two excellent silk handkerchiefs and a daguerreotypeⒶemendation of his grandmother.
I had my regular gin and onions along.
Virginia, San Francisco and Sacramento were well represented at the Lake HouseⒺexplanatory note, and we had a very healthy time of it for a while.Ⓐhistorical collation We sailed and hunted and fished and danced all day, and I doctored my cough all night.
ByⒶhistorical collation managing in this way, I made out to improve every hour in the twenty-four.
ButⒶhistorical collation my disease continued to grow worse.
A sheet-bath was recommended. I had never refused a remedy yet, and it seemed poor policy to commence then; therefore I determined to take a sheet-bath, notwithstanding I had no idea what sort of arrangement it was.
ItⒶtextual note Ⓐhistorical collation was administered at midnight, and the weather was very frosty. My breast and back were bared, and a sheet (there appeared to be a thousand yards of it) soaked in ice-water, was wound around me until I resembled a swab for a Columbiad.
It is a cruel expedient. When the chilly rag touches one's warm flesh, it makes him start with sudden violence and gasp for breath just as men do in the death agony. It froze the marrow in my bones and stopped the beating of my heart.
IⒶhistorical collation thought my time had come.
Young Wilson said the circumstance reminded him of an anecdote about a negro who was being baptised, and who slipped from the Parson's grasp and came near being drowned; he floundered around, though, and finally rose up out of the water considerably strangled and furiously angry, and started ashore at once, spouting water like a [begin page 302] whale, and remarking with great asperity that “One o' dese days, some gen'lman'sⒶhistorical collation nigger gwyne to gitⒶhistorical collation killed wid jes'Ⓐtextual note Ⓐhistorical collation sichⒶhistorical collation dam foolishness as dis!”Ⓐhistorical collation
Then young Wilson laughed at his silly, pointless anecdote, as if he had thought he had done something very smart. I suppose I am not to be affronted every day, though, without resenting it—I coughed my bed-fellow clear out of the house before morning.Ⓐhistorical collation
Never take a sheet-bath—never. Next to meeting a lady acquaintance, who, for reasons best known to herself, don't see youⒺexplanatory note when she looks at you and don't know you when she does see you, it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world.
It is singular that such a simile as that, happened to occur to me; I haven't thought of that circumstance a dozen times to-day. I used to think she was so pretty, and gentle, and graceful, and considerate, and all that sort of thing.
But I suspect it was all a mistake.
In reality, she is as ugly as a crab; and there is no expression in her countenance, either; she reminds me of one of those dummies in the milliner shops. I know she has got false teeth, and I think one of her eyes is glass. She can never fool me with that French she talks, either; that's Cherokee—I have been among that tribe myself. She has already driven two or three Frenchmen to the verge of suicide with that unchristian gibberish. And that complexion of her's is the dingiest that ever a white woman bore—it is pretty nearly Cherokee itself. It shows out strongest when it is contrasted with her monstrous white sugar-shoveled bonnet; when she gets that on, she looks like a sorrel calf under a new shed. I despise that womanⒶemendation, and I'll never speak to her again. Not unless she speaks to me, anyhow.Ⓐhistorical collation
But as I was saying, when the sheet-bath failed to cure my cough, a lady friend recommended the application of a mustard plaster to my breast.
IⒶhistorical collation believe that would have cured me effectually, if it had not been for young Wilson.
WhenⒶhistorical collation I went to bed I put my mustard plaster—which was a very gorgeous one, eighteen inches square—where I could reach it when I was ready for it.
ButⒶhistorical collation young Wilson got hungry in the night, and ate it up.
[begin page 303]IⒶhistorical collation never saw anybody have such an appetite; I am confident that lunatic would have eaten me if I had been healthy.Ⓐhistorical collation
After sojourning a week at Lake BiglerⒶhistorical collation, I went to Steamboat Springs, and besidesⒶhistorical collation the steam baths, I took a lotⒶhistorical collation of the vilestⒶhistorical collation medicines that were ever concocted. They would have cured me, but I had to go back to VirginiaⒶhistorical collation, where, notwithstanding the variety of new remedies I absorbed every day, I managed to aggravate my disease by carelessness and undue exposure.
I finally concluded to visit San Francisco, and the first day I got hereⒶhistorical collation a lady at the Lick HouseⒶhistorical collation told me to drink a quart of whisky every twenty-four hours, and a friend at the OccidentalⒶhistorical collation recommended precisely the same course.
EachⒶhistorical collation advised me to take a quart—that makesⒶhistorical collation half a gallon.
I calculate to do it or perish in the attemptⒶhistorical collation.
Now, with the kindest motives in the world, I offer for the consideration of consumptive patients the variegated course of treatment I have lately gone through. Let them try it—if it don't cure themⒶhistorical collation, it can't more than kill them.Ⓐemendation Ⓐhistorical collation
Historical Collation
Texts collated:
GE “How to Cure a Cold,” San Francisco Golden Era 11 (20 September 1863): 8.“Curing a Cold” in the following
JF1 Jumping Frog (New York: Webb, 1867), pp. 67–75. Reprints GE with authorial and editorial revisions.
JF2 Jumping Frog (London: Routledge, 1867), pp. 63–70. Reprints JF1 with few errors.
JF3 Jumping Frog (London: Hotten, 1870), pp. 32–37. Reprints JF2 with some errors in dialect spellings.
JF4 Jumping Frog (London: Routledge, 1870 and 1872), pp. 57–64. Reprints JF2 with additional errors.
MTSk Mark Twain's Sketches (London: Routledge, 1872), pp. 336–341. Reprints JF4 with authorial revisions and corrections.
HWa Choice Humorous Works (London: Hotten, 1873), pp. 393–396. Reprints JF3 with few additional errors.
HWaMT Sheets of HWa revised by Mark Twain, who made seven changes in this sketch.
HWb Choice Humorous Works (London: Chatto and Windus, 1874), pp. 388–391. Reprints HWa with authorial revisions from HWaMT.
HWbMT Copy of HWb revised by Mark Twain, who made five changes in this sketch.
SkNO Sketches, New and Old (Hartford: American Publishing Company, 1875), pp. 300–305. Reprints HWb with authorial revisions from HWbMT.
The first printing in the San Francisco Golden Era 11 (20 September 1863): 8 (GE) is copy-text. Copies: clipping in Scrapbook 4, pp. 8–9, MTP; PH from Bancroft and from Yale.
Reprintings and Revisions. It seems likely that Mark Twain revised the printer's copy of this sketch before it was reprinted in JFl as “Curing a Cold,” but no evidence in the Yale Scrapbook survives to show which changes he made or what printing (or reprinting) he used: it was probably a copy of GE, although some unidentified reprinting might have been used instead. Mark Twain's facetious allusion to his Gould and Curry stock, as well as his reference to visitors from Virginia City, San Francisco, and Sacramento, were omitted because of their topicality. A few small verbal changes (“So I” instead of “I” at 299.22 and “there” instead of “here” at 303.9) were made, and an indelicacy (“I must have vomited three-quarters of an hour” at 299.35–36) was dropped. The long, angry digression about the narrator's “lady acquaintance” (302.12–28) was also omitted. Since most of the changes were simple deletions, either the author or his editor, Webb, could have been responsible for them. Only one revision seems characteristic of Mark Twain: he probably substituted “I did it, and still live” for “I calculate to do it or perish in the attempt” (303.14).
In addition to these verbal changes, the system of paragraphing in GE was extensively revised: JFl had only twenty-three paragraphs, while GE had sixty-six. Indeed, there is reason to suspect that the paragraphing of the copy-text had been editorially imposed on the author's manuscript: for more than half the sketch each paragraph contains only a single sentence—a style not characteristic of Mark Twain. Because Mark Twain demonstrably revised the paragraphing of other clippings in the Yale Scrapbook, and because in 1873 he objected to this same one-sentence-per-paragraph system in sketches edited by Hotten, it is tempting to regard the revised paragraphing of JFl as the author's correction and restoration of his manuscript practice. Nevertheless, we have not adopted the JFl changes, because they could so easily have been editorial: in the absence of the author's manuscript or of the marked printer's copy for JFl, the paragraphing of the copy-text must be allowed to prevail.
The JFl text was reprinted in the way the textual introduction describes. Routledge reprinted JFl in 1867 (JF2), and Hotten in turn reprinted JF2 in 1870 (JF3). Routledge also reprinted JF2 in 1870 (JF4a), and using the JF4a plates reissued the book in 1872 (JF4b). None of these texts was revised by the author, although the compositors introduced several minor errors and sophistications. When Mark Twain prepared the printer's copy for MTSk in 1872, he revised a copy of JF4a, making several changes in this sketch. He continued to remove indelicacies—omitting, for example, his allusion to the fact that he had “acquired a breath like a buzzard's” (301.5–6). He changed “Bigler” to “Tahoe,” “lot” to “cargo,” “vilest” to “wickedest” (301.8 and 303.4), and he probably tinkered with the paragraphing. He removed the digression about the “negro who was being baptised . . . and came near being drowned” (301.34–302.3), and he dropped a sentence that was a double entendre: “I never saw anybody have such an appetite; I am confident that lunatic would have eaten me if I had been healthy” (303.1–2). The MTSk text was not subsequently reprinted.
One year later (1873) Hotten reprinted the JF3 text in HWa. When Mark Twain revised this book for Chatto and Windus in the fall of 1873 (HWaMT), he made a number of small changes (“at the Occidental” became “up town” at 303.11, and “Lick House” became “hotel” at 303.10), but he did not delete the baptism anecdote or the allusion to “breath like a buzzard's.” He again removed the potentially offensive double entendre about Wilson's voracious appetite, substituting “here is food for the imagination.” He tinkered with the paragraphing, deleting three paragraph breaks that had persisted from the first printing in GE: “No Paragraph—may God eternally roast the man who punctuated this book,” he noted at one point (299.3). Elsewhere in HWaMT he was particularly irate about mistaken paragraphing in sketches derived from PJks; his reaction to this sketch, which derived rather faithfully from JF3, casts further doubt on the authority of the GE paragraphing. All of the HWaMT revisions were incorporated in HWb, published in 1874.
When in 1875 Mark Twain came to reprint this sketch in SkNO, he entered the title “Curing a Cold” as item seventy-seven in the Doheny table of contents (see figure 23H, volume 1). The compositors supplied page numbers for both MTSk and HWb, and they or Bliss indicated on MTSkMT where the illustrations were to appear in the text of SkNO. But Mark Twain did not revise the MTSkMT text, whereas he made five revisions in the HWbMT text. Collation confirms that SkNO was set from HWbMT and incorporated these revisions: three times the author supplied “City” following the ambiguous “Virginia” (298.16, 299.28, and 303.6), he altered “jes'” to “jis'” (302.2), and restored the paragraph break of GE at 299.31. He made no changes in proof.
The diagram of transmission is as follows: