13 May 1865
This sketch, published in the Californian on 13 May 1865, continues the record of “Mr. Mark Twain's” involvement with efforts to fill the vacancy in Grace Cathedral. But this time his satire covers the whole spectrum of clerical hypocrites, from Phillips Brooks and George Cummins—whose letters Mark Twain declines to publish because they might awaken “a diseased curiosity in the public mind concerning the private matters of ministers of the gospel”—to the Reverend “T. St. Matthew Brown”—one of forty-eight applicants who “are all willing to sacrifice their dearest worldly interests and break the tenderest ties that bind them to their rural homes, to come and fight the good fight in our stately church.”
Phillips Brooks—an Episcopalian, a Bostonian, and a Harvard man—was descended from a long line of Congregational clergymen. Ordained in 1859, he held pastorates for ten years in Philadelphia. In 1869 he became the rector of Trinity Church, Boston. An influential preacher who published many collections of sermons and religious essays after 1877, he was eventually elected bishop of Massachusetts in 1891. At the time of this sketch, Brooks had already achieved a reputation for piety and patriotism.
The “Rev. Dr. Cummins” was probably George David Cummins, ordained in the Episcopal church in 1845 and rector of churches in Virginia, Washington, D.C., and Maryland before his call to Trinity Church, Chicago, in 1863. He was elected assistant bishop of Kentucky in 1866. Seven years later he withdrew from the Protestant Episcopal church to found the Reformed Episcopal church, of which he was named presiding bishop.
[begin page 158]The range of Mark Twain's powers of impersonation is strikingly evident in this sketch. The telegrams from Brooks and Cummins are, perhaps, slight compared to his earlier imaginary letter from Hawks, but he conjures up a remarkably worldly image in very few lines: “Don't be a fool, Mike. Draw on me for five or six hundred.” The “foreign correspondence” from T. St. Matthew Brown, however, anticipates some of Mark Twain's burlesque characters in the unfinished Quaker City play (October–November 1867) and, more importantly, the king and the duke in Huckleberry Finn.
Clemens preserved both sketches (nos. 101 and 102) in the Yale Scrapbook, and seems to have considered including part of the second one in the 1867 Jumping Frog book. But neither sketch was reprinted in his lifetime.
I promised, last week, that I would publish in the present number of The Californian the correspondence held between myself and Rev. Phillips Brooks of Philadelphia, and Rev. Dr. CumminsⒶemendation of Chicago, but I must now beg you to release me from that promise. I have just received telegrams from these distinguished clergymen suggesting the impolicy of printing their letters; the suggestion is accompanied by arguments so able, so pointed and so conclusive that, although I saw no impropriety in it before, I am forced now to concede that it would be very impolitic to publish their letters. It could do but little good, perhaps, and might really do harm, in awakening a diseased curiosity in the public mind concerning the private matters of ministers of the gospel. The telegrams and accompanying arguments are as follows:
from rev. phillips brooks.
Philadelphia, Friday, May 12.
Mr. Mick Twine:* Am told you have published Bishop Hawks' letter. You'll ruin the clergy! Don't—don't publish mine. Listen to reason—come, now, don't make an ass of yourself. Draw on me for five hundred dollars.
Rev. Phillips Brooks.
[Although I feel it my duty to suppress his letter, it is proper to state for the information of the public, that Phil. gets a higher salary where he is, and consequently he cannot come out here and [begin page 160] take charge of Grace Cathedral. Mem.—He is in petroleum to some extent, also.—M. T.]
from rev. dr. cummins Ⓐemendation.
Chicago, Thursday, May 11.
Mr. Mac Swain:* Have you really been stupid enough to publish Bishop Hawks' letter? Gewhillikins! don't publish mine. Don't be a fool, Mike. Draw on me for five or six hundred.
Rev. Dr. Cummins Ⓐemendation.
[I am conscious that it would be improper to print the Doctor's letter, but it may be as well to observe that he also gets a higher salary where he is, and consequently he cannot come out here and take charge of Grace Cathedral. Mem.—He is speculating a little in grain.—M. T.]
I am afraid I was rather hasty in publishing Bishop Hawks' letter. I am sorry I did it. I suppose there is no chance now to get an Argument out of him, this late in the day.
foreign correspondence.
I am a suffering victim of my infernal disposition to be always trying to oblige somebody without being asked to do it. Nobody asked me to help the vestry of Grace Cathedral to hire a minister; I dashed into it on my own hook, in a spirit of absurd enthusiasm, and a nice mess I have made of it. I have not succeeded in securing either of the three clergymen I wanted, but that is not the worst of it—I have brought such a swarm of low-priced back-country preachers about my ears that I begin to be a little appalled at the work of my own hands. I am afraid I have evoked a spirit that I cannot lay. A single specimen of the forty-eight letters addressed to me from the interior will suffice to show the interest my late publication has excited:Ⓐalteration in the MS
from rev. mr. brown.
Grasshopper Chateau, 1865.
Bro. Twain: I feel that the opportunity has arrived at last for me to make a return somewhat
in kind for the countless blessings
*Excuse the unhappy telegraph—it never spells names right.—M. T. Ⓐalteration in the MS [begin page 161] which have been poured—poured, as it were—upon my unworthy head. If you get the vacancy in Grace Cathedral for me, I will accept of it at once, and at any price, notwithstanding I should sacrifice so much here in a worldly point of view, and entail so much unhappiness upon my loving flock by so doing—for I feel that I am “called,” and it is not for me, an humble instrument, to disobey. [The splotch you observe here is a tear.] It stirs the deepest emotions in my breast to think that I shall soon leave my beloved flock;Ⓐemendation bear with this seeming childishness, my friend, for I have reared this dear flock, and tended it for years, and I fed it with spiritual food, and sheared it—ah, me, and sheared it—I cannot go on—the subject is too harrowing. But I'll take that berth for less than any man on the continent, if you'll get it for me. I send you specimen sermons—some original and some selected and worked over. * * *
Your humble and obedient servant,
T. St. Matthew Brown.
They all want the berth at Grace Cathedral. They would all be perfectly satisfied with $7,000 a year. They are all willing to sacrifice their dearest worldly interests and break the tenderest ties that bind them to their rural homes, to come and fight the good fight in our stately church. They all feel that they could do more good and serve their master better in a wider sphere of action. They all feel stirring within them souls too vast for confinement in narrow flats and gulches. And they all want to come here and spread. And worse than all, they all devil me with their bosh, and send me their sermons to read, and come and dump their baggage in my hall, and take possession of my bed-rooms by assault, and carry my dinner-table by storm, instead of inflicting these miseries upon the vestry of Grace Cathedral, who are the proper victims, by virtue of their office. Why in thunder do they come harrassing me? What have I got to do with the matter? Why, I do not even belong to the church, and have got no more to do with hiring pastors for it than the Dey of Algiers has. I wish they would ease up a little on me; I mixed into this business a little too brashlyⒶalteration in the MS—so to speak—and without due reflection; but if I get out of it once all right, I'll not mix in any more—never any more; now that's honest—I never will.
I have numerous servants, but they are all worked down. My [begin page 162] housekeeper is on the verge of open rebellion. Yesterday she said: “I lay I'll take and hyste some of them preachers out of this mighty soon, now.” And she'll do it. I shall regret it. I could entertain no sentiment but that of regret to see a clergyman “hysted” out of my establishment, but what am I to do? I cannot help it. If I were to interfere I should get “hysted” myself.
My clerical guests are healthy. Their appetites are good. They are not particular as to food. They worry along very well on spring chickens. I don't feel safe with them, though, because if it is considered that a steamboat on the Mississippi is inviting disaster when she ventures to carry more than two ministers at a time, isn't it likely that the dozen I have got in my house will eventually produce an earthquake? The tradition goes that three clergymen on a steamboat will ground her, four will sink her, and five and a gray mare added will blow her upⒺexplanatory note. If I had a gray mare in my stable, I would leave this city before night.Ⓐemendation
The first printing in the Californian 2 (13 May 1865): 9 is copy-text. Copies: Bancroft; PH from Yale; PH of the Yale Scrapbook, pp. 34–34A. Mark Twain revised a clipping of the Californian in the Yale Scrapbook and probably considered reprinting the sketch in JF1 together with its companion piece, “Important Correspondence” (no. 101). Some time after the main selections for JF1 had been made, he listed it as “Portion after Hawks” in the back of the scrapbook, along with six other sketches that did not “run average” (see the textual introduction, volume 1, pp. 538–539). The revised clipping remains intact in the scrapbook. Mark Twain did not reprint the sketch in JF1 or elsewhere. There are no textual notes.